A man went to the doctor with severe insomnia. The doctor gave him a physical examination and found nothing wrong with the man. Doctor said, "Listen, if you really want to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "But I can't. My wife refuses to sleep all alone."
How long does it take a staff nurse to change a light bulb?
Two min to switch the bulb and 58 minutes to document it.
Q What is the difference between an orthopedic surgeon and God
A God dosn't think he is an orthopedic surgeon !
Doctor: Sister, how is that young boy doing, the one who swallowed ten dimes?
Nurse: No change yet doc.
Mr Smith: Tell me, doctor. Is it really serious?
Doctor: Well, Mr Smith, I wouldn't advise you to start watching any serials on the television.
It is known that the limbic system of the brain is responsible for four Fs: Feeding, Fighting, Fleeing, and Reproduction.
A somewhat advanced society figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.
A student, goes to the pharmacy and asks what all kind of knowledge pills are available. "Here's a pill for English literature", says the pharmacist. The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
"What else do you have?" asks the student.
"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and social sciences," replies the pharmacist.
The student buys these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.
Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"
The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.
"I have to take that huge pill for math?" asks the student.
The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow, don't you?"
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Martha. "She's very dumb - she does everything absolutely backwards," said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2ml of potklor every 10 hours - she gave him 10 ml every 2 hours and he nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing, earlier this week I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours - she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour, the poor the lady nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, "Oh my God," said the first doctor...
"I just realized I told Nurse Martha to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
The old pope dies and goes to the Pearly Gates. There is a long queue so he goes to the head of the line and the angel tells him to go to the end of the line. The pope says " I'm the pope I've been the head of Christendom for fifteen years and I was niney three years old when I died. Are you telling me I have to go to the end of the line."
The angel says " Sorry, absolutely no exceptions."
The pope goes to the end of the line and after a couple of hours some young guy in a white coat and a stethoscope around his neck walks to the head of the line and is let right in.
The pope is incensed and goes to the angel and says " I thought you said there were no exceptions but I saw you let that doctor in without waiting."
The angel replied "He was no doctor -- He was God. Sometimes He just likes to play doctor."
A guy's wife sends him to a psychologist because she thinks all he has on his mind is sex sex sex.
The doc gives him the Rorschach ink blot test.
He shows the guy the first ink spot and asks "What do you see?"
The guy says "A couple making love."
He shows him another "What do you see?"
He answers "Two women having sex in a bathtub."
He shows him another and asks "What do you see?"
The guy says "Two girls and a guy making love in the jungle."
The doc tells him "I have to agree with your wife. All you see is sex, sex, sex."
The guy is furious "What do you mean? You're the one showing these dirty pictures!"
A new patient was quite upset when the doctor's nurse led him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to get out of his clothes. "But I only want the doctor to look at my ingrown toe nail!" he protested.
"Our rule is that everyone must undress," replied the nurse as she handed him a very skimpy gown.
"That's a dumb rule," grumbled the patient, "making me undress just to look at my toe."
"That's nothing," growled a voice from the next cubicle. "I just came to fix the phone lines!"
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb has to really really want to change.
An elderly couple went to a doctor. They told the him "We're having some trouble with our sex life. Could you watch and give us some suggestions?"
The doctor replied, "I'm not a sex therapist. You should find some other doctor."
The couple said, "No, No, we trust you."
After watching them make love, the doctor said, "You guys don't seem to be having any problems. I wish my sex life was as good. I do not have any suggestions."
But the couple came back next week and also the third week. After they had finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren't having any trouble for sure."
The man replied, "No, actually the problem is that if we have sex at my house, my wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us. The motel charges us $75 per hour, and we can't afford that. You only charge $50, and my Medicare pays half of that!"
