The tapeworm

A patient walks into a doctors office complaining of abdominal pain. The doc takes a fecal sample and discovers his patient has a tapeworm. He tells his patient "Don't worry, I have the perfect treatment. Come in tomorrow with a hard boiled egg and a choco-chip cookie." The patient is a little confused, but does as the doctor tells him.

The next morning, the doctor asks his patient to drop his pants and bend over. Next, he shells the egg and inserts it in the patients rectum. The doctor closely monitors his watch and exactly two minutes later inserts the cookie as well. He tells the patient to come in tomorrow with another egg and another cookie.

The next morning, the doctor does the same thing: inserts the egg and exactly two minutes later inserts the cookie. This goes on for three more days in exactly the same manner and by this time the patient is really confused.

Finally, on the fifth day of treatment, the doc says "OK, tomorrow I want you to come in with another hard boiled egg, but this time bring a hammer instead of a cookie, ok?"

The next day, the patient comes in and the doc inserts the hard boiled egg as usual. He closely monitors his watch as two minutes pass...then three minutes...then four minutes...Suddenly the tapeworm sticks his head outside and shouts "Where the Hell is my Cookie!!" and the doc hits it over the head with the hammer, curing his patient.

Surgeon

Kimberley was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael Whitacker, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Kimberley, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Whitacker...Is dat you? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Kimberley was working on a car. Kimberley in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

Whitacker, very embarrassed, walked away and said softly, to Kimberley, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

Specialist

What's the difference between a general practitioner and a super specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

Smart answers

In Kimberley there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.
This year the two lucky gents were Mark and Smith. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Mark to come in for his questioning. When Mark came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.

"Mark you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.

Mark nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this. "Mark if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"

"I would be half blind of course," Mark answered without much thought.

"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"

"I would be completely blind," said Mark knowing that he had just gotten his freedom. The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Smith's files.

When Mark got into the waiting room however, he told Smith what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.

The doctor calls in Smith and he followed the same procedure that he had with Mark. "Smith the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"

"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told. This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Smith, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"

"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "My hat would fall down over me eyes."

Sign boards

Spotted in a toilet of a Paris office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

Outside a Paris secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a London conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR, THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctors office, Italy:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Tipton:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE SHOULD WAIT AND SEE THE MANAGER.

School 1969 vs. School 2009

Scenario: John and Tom get into a fistfight after school.


1968 - Crowd gathers. Tom wins. John and Tom shake hands and end up mates.


2008 - Police arrives; Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests John and Tom. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though John started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.


Scenario: Mark won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.


1968 - Mark is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.


2008 - Mark is given huge doses of Methylphenidate. Counseled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for addiction. School gets extra funding because Mark has a disability. Drops out of school.


Scenario: Bill breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.


1968 - Bill is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.


2008 - Bill's dad is arrested for child abuse. Bill is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Bill's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Bush's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.


Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.


1968 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.


2008 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario: John falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.


1968 - John soon feels better and goes back to playing.


2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. John undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

Playing the piano

A doctor has come to see one of his patients who has had major surgery to both of his hands.
"Doctor," says the man dramatically holds up his heavily
bandaged hands. "Will I ever be able to play the piano when these bandages
come off?"
"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.
"That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before."

Outcome of surgery

Patient to ophthalmologist: I'm very worried about the result of this operation, doc. What are the chances?

Ophthalmologist: Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference.

Big breaths

A Nurse Practitioner was examining a lady who happened to be hard of hearing. He put his stethoscope to her chest and said, "Big breaths."
The woman responded, "Yes, but they used to be bigger!"

Sure cure for nervousness

A county physician in United Kingdom has discovered a sure cure for nervousness in women. He tells them that it's a sign of ageing.