Age related

An old man goes to his doctor, for pain in his knee doesn't heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his knees, but can't find anything wrong. So he gives the old
guy a full physical exam, and still can't come up with any possible explanation for the pain.

The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, "I'm sorry but the pain in your knee is simply caused by old age, there's nothing I can do about it."

The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible! That can't be!"

The doctor says, "What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it's NOT old age?"

The patient answers, "I'm no doctor but it doesn't take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken. After all my other knee just fine."

"So what?" says the doctor "What difference does that make?"

"Well it doesn't hurt a bit, and it's the SAME AGE!" replied the old man.

PMS medicine

Q: How can you tell which bottle has PMS medicine?
A: It's the one which has marks on the cap!

Best treatment for headaches

If you have a lot of tension and you get headaches, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two and keep away from children."

How does physics save lives ?

A professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept in physics to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" one young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."

Husband and wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband has a very peculiar disease, related to stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him daily. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him,
it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.

How to distinguish between Alzheimers and AIDS

Mr. Daniel to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Daniel sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."

Mr. Daniel: "What do you mean?"

Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Daniel tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife."

Mr Daniel: "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"

Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't have sex with her."

Let's check your geography

Q: What would happen if all of the smokers were laid end-to-end around the world ?
A: Three-quarters of them would drown !

Another Psyche joke

Q: How do two psychiatrists greet each other?
A: You are fine. How am I?

Heart attack

Some of the boys got together to play poker one Friday. After about four hours of playing, Jack had severe chest pains and suddenly he slumped over. One of the gamblers, who happened to be a doctor, examined him. To everyone's surprise and shock, poor Jack had died of a heart attack.

None of his friends knew just how to break the sad news to Jack's wife. Finally Jim said, "I think that I can be diplomatic about it, and break the news to her gently."

Floyd rang the bell at Jack's house. When Jack's wife answered the door, Jim said to her, "Jack gambled with us and lost $1,000."

When Jack's wife heard this she said, "Just tell Jack to just drop dead!" Jim replied, "That's exactly what he did."

Hello, Welcome to the World Psychiatry Call Center

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

Spaghetti

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, the doctor gave her a sum of money and asked her to go to Paris and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." The nurse took the money and flew to Paris.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

Good patients

Three surgeons are talking about their patient preferences.

The first Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Artists, they are so colorful: red Hearts, pink Stomachs, green Spleens."

The next Doctor says: "Me, I love doing surgery on Accountants, open them up and all their Parts are numbered, makes it very easy."

The third Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Lawyers, they have no Heart, they have no Guts and the Head and the Ass are interchangeable!"

Effects of drinking

Doctor: "It's no good. I can't find anything wrong with you. It must just be the effects of drinking."
Patient: "I'll come back when you're sober then!"

Duck hunting

An internist, a surgeon and a pathologist decided to go duck hunting together. A couple of mornings later they found themselves sitting in a duck-blind waiting for the birds. Pretty soon a bird appeared on the horizon. The internist watched it carefully as it came over and said, "Gentlemen, observe the colorful plumage, the quacking call and the web feet trailing behind." As the bird disappeared out of range, he said, "Based on my observation, I would venture that we have seen a duck, but further tests may be necessary before we decide on a course of action." The other doctors looked blankly at him, but there was a slight sneer from the surgeon.

It wasn't long until another bird appeared. They waited until it came closer and then the surgeon leaped to his feet with his gun. Blammmmmm....Blaaamm...Blaaaaaaaammm.. Feathers and pieces of feet, blood and guts and bill exploded overhead. A sorry looking carcass fell into the blind. The surgeon turned to the pathologist and said, "Hey friend, would'ja mind runnin' over and get that thing and lettin me if it was a duck."

Double blind study

What is a double-blind study?
Two orthopedic surgeons reading an electrocardiogram.

Diagnosis

"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to you. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."

Confidentiality

A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Jones, in Room 302."

He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Jones doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Carvalho is going to send her home Tuesday."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!"

The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"

She said, "I'm Sarah Jones 302! Carvalho, my doctor, doesn't tell me a word!"

Good compliance

A woman brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an ear ache.

He prescribed ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

Cloudy urine

A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from a major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. And so it continued...

Finally, one morning, she decided to have some fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle well, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, she took a look at the bottle and a frowned.

"Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy," she said, pointing to the urine bottle.

"Oh, really?" she replied, picking up the bottle in question and drinking the contents. "In that case, we'd better run it through again..."

Church

An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through, she leans over and says to him: "I just had a silent passing of gas, what do you think I should do?"

He leans over to her and replies: "Change the battery of your Hearing Aid!"